humor

August 29, 2010April 18, 2020

My Little League Experience

The Little League World Series final is today 8/29 with Japan vs Hawaii. Whenever I see the game each year it reminds me of the movie “The Bad News Bears” and my own experience in Little League back when I was 11 to 13 years old.

I played for the GM Red Sox and our coach when I was 12 was Robert Nichols who would later be my Phys Ed teacher in Junior High and even later became a Findlay City Councilman – which I notice he is serving again as a councilman from the 5th Ward.

I played outfield and batted 9th because I was such a great player… NO… I stunk as a hitter. During my “career” I had 2 hits. Just 2 over three years.

Coach Nichols tried to help me be a better hitter. One day during practice he came up to me at home plate and held a ball in his hand.

“I want you to hit this ball out of my hand,” He said.

“What?” I said.

“Take your bat and hit this ball out of my hand.”

“Okay.”

I took my stance and he held the ball on the palm of his hand.

You know where this is going, right?

I took a full power swing at the ball and the bat crashed into Coach Nichols hand completely missing the ball. He immediately started screaming words that I wouldn’t really learn until I got to Junior High. He held his hand and was in intense pain.

“Why did you do that for?” he screamed at me.

“You told me to!” I yelled back.

I so wanted to go home at that point. I figured that was it – kicked out of Little League. I slunk back to the dugout while all the other guys on the team laughed at me.

Coach Nichols paced around for a while shaking out his hand occasionally glaring at me. Then when he calmed down he came to the dug out.

“You’re right I did tell you to hit the ball out of my hand. I should have been more specific about not taking a full swing.” He said and smiled slightly

“I’m sorry…” I said.

“It doesn’t seem broken so I’ll be okay. Get out in the field for some pop fly practice.”

At the next game I hit a walk off grand slam to win the league championship all thanks to Coach Nichols… Sorry I made that last part up. Never happened. I still stunk, played outfield, and batted 9th.

What did happen was I found out I needed glasses.

Little League 1981
Me on the GM Red Sox in 1981, year after events in this story. I still stunk.

October 24, 2008April 18, 2020

Breaking News: Medicare will pay for a penis pump!

Let’s take a time out on politics for a moment.

Being a night owl I get to see some funny television and crappy television. Late at night, stations show commercials they wouldn’t show during the day. Usually they focus on sex. Male “enhancement” pills, condoms, and personal lubricants are some of the products seen when the kids are asleep. The other night I saw the following commercial during a late movie and it just cracked me up.

So, Medicare pays for a penis pump… WOW!

Erectile dysfunction is a real medical problem and I don’t intend to insult those who suffer from it, I just thought this pump commercial was comedic in an adult comedy way.

It just amazes me that products like the pump have to “nudge nudge wink wink” around the fact they are for sex related issues. The pills are for “male enhancement” and the lubes are “personal lubricants” for example. I’m sure most adults catch on and the kiddies miss it, but unless the words used are obscene, the makers shouldn’t have to use innuendo.

It reminds me of the scene in the movie Kindergarten Cop when the little boy tells Detective John Kimble, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, “Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina”. The kid probably had no idea what he said but the adults all did.

There seems to protests if there is too much sex on TV – or commercials about sex related products. It took years for even a watered down condom commercial to air on TV.

The reasoning is “we must protect the children”, but on the other hand protecting the children leads to sexual repression and that isn’t good either. The best defense against sexual issues is information – clear and frank information.

Okay, sorry. Said I would take a break from politics on this post…. my bad.

September 12, 2008April 18, 2020

Hurricane dark humor

First of all let me say I hate bad storms and I’m glad I have never and hope to never experience a Hurricane. But during a slow point at work the mind of a co-worker and my dark mind came up with some “funny” bits about Hurricane Ike coming ashore tonight in Texas.

Sometimes you have to try to laugh. The following is meant to be funny:

Why do they always name the storms after people? What if they sold naming rights to the storms? It would be a week or more advertising exposure.

Watch out Texas Hurricane Pontiac Solstice is on its way! – after the storm Pontiac gives away 50 free cars.

We could do sports teams too.

Take cover Dallas, Hurricane New England Patriots will hit you tonight.

How about TV shows?

You watched Hurricane American Idol pummel New Orleans now what it 5 nights a a week on the CW!

Local businesses could have contests.

If your home was destroyed between 5 PM and 6 PM you get a coupon for dinner for 2 at Red Lobster.

The money charged for the naming rights and other marketing parts would be used to pay for the storm recovery.

November 23, 2006April 18, 2020

Holiday Homily from Le Buche de Humanist

A Holiday Homily from Le Buche de Humanist

Book 2 Chapter 7

Lo, go unto Grandma’s house and be merry. Or if thou hate your family, hold thy tongue past dinner.

Eat game bird or tofu which that you are. Sleep during daylight with hand in pants. Watch the Lions get pasted on the grid iron.

If thy pass gas blame the person next to you – loudly.

Book 2 Chapter 8

Give uneaten casserole to dog you don’t like. Send as much leftovers as possible with relative who is not married. The youngest of you shall take the rubbish to the holy can. The oldest of you shall speak ill, even untruths, of those not there, the neighbors, various ethnic and religious groups, and particular political parties. The rest shall pretend not to hear and hope the person speaking falls asleep.

Thirty minutes, and no more or no less, after final spoonful is served, leave the house you have gathered. Tell an untruth if need be. Let thy tongue roll, that had been held, in the comfort of your own keep. Make a promise never to go again that you know you will never keep.