Swiss Cheese, international infamous cartoon character, failed rock drummer, imaginary race car driver, and collector of last year’s fashion, has announced he is running for President of the USA for 2016. I sat down with him for an interview.
Doug’s Views: First question – Why?
Swiss Cheese: I saw how many Republicans were running and thought to myself, self, we need to get on the money train. Obviously the requirements to run have been nerfed since President Obama’s last election.
DV: So you are only doing it for the money?
SC: I’ve been told by my advisers that I am doing it to make America great again – or something to that effect.
DV: You have a concrete plan?
SC: I’m told it is a four point plan. One – Crackers for all, just for a start. B – Tasting parties must be between a wine and a cheese only. Who wants it any other way? Six – Require the Comic Sans Font for all official documents. This is a must for me. I don’t know how many times I’ve filled out my tax forms and believe we could get better compliance if all the forms had Comic Sans. The final point on my agenda is turning National Cheese Day, June 4th, into a federal holiday. I don’t think cheese gets enough respect these days. I think all cheese should be honored. Natural, processed, goat, head and all the other cheeses should have a date, a sale-by date as it were, where we all can be proud of who we are.
DV: You have a very ambitious plan.
SC: It is isn’t it. (He smiles and looks over at his advisors) Good work people who I’ve never met in person before. Make me look smart. There will be an extra nickel or dime in the next pay packet.
DV: Some have said you aren’t qualified for the office or that you weren’t born here or that your toupee looks like a dead cat… what do you say to that?
SC: First of all my toupee is not a dead cat… per se….. Thirdly I really don’t care what people say about me. I cry a little at night before I go to sleep, sure but who doesn’t, but a pitcher of Screwdrivers takes care of that.
DV: What are your positions on other issues like immigration, trade, and health care reform?
SC: It’s whatever people who host those tired Sunday talk shows want. Even if I say one thing one week and the complete opposite the next – like the Republican Dr. Ben Carson said about using fetal tissue for research. Complaining about it on the campaign trail while profiting from it when he was a practicing Doctor.
DV: You don’t sound too confident on those issues.
SC: To be honest it’s more than a year before the election so there is plenty of time for me to say something wild, get called out, double down, walk it back, and then say something else that is just as stupid – look at Jeb Bush or Rick Perry. My goal is to be on that ballot in November 2016 for those who have given up and who simply picks one of us just to get the whole slimy job of voting done. I want to be your slime!
DV: One final question. Candidates need a massive amount of money to run an effective campaign these days. How are you paying for all of this?
SC: Simple. I run an escort service and I make extra cash servicing some of our VIP clients personally.
DV: I take it you are very successful?
SC: I don’t think the Pittsburgh Steelers have complained have they???
Editor note: An earlier version of this article included a question about a private e-mail server and former Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle. The Cheese campaign wanted to state that the e-mail server only ever had classified information on it and Swiss only knew Fogle in passing at one of the many spokespeople conventions he attends each year. We apologize for the confusion.
Editor note #2: In case you read this far I hope you realized this has all been a satire on our sometimes stupid election system. If you didn’t know it before now I apologize for your confusion.
Support real candidates who don’t pander to the small subset of bigots in this country and who want to actually create change.